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Matrimonial Advertisement 



a Cometiietta in d^nt ^ct 

EGBERT W. FOWLER 




BOSTON Z^^^yO^' 


1893 
----^-..L L 








CHARACTERS. , rj^o 

HARRY ANDREWS, aged twenty-one. 
KITTIE GREY, aged eighteen. 



Scene. — The parlor of a hotel. 
Costumes. — Modern arid appropriate. 

PROPERTIES. 

Two newspapers. Two bundles of notes, — one pink, one blue. Fan tied with pink 
ribbon, and bonnet trimmed with blue, for Kitty. Clock on mantel. 




Copyright, 1893, by Walter H. Baker & Co. 



A MATRIMONIAL ADVERTISEMENT. 



Scene. — Parlor of a hotel. Chair and table ^ L. Settee at r. 
Door, c. Newspaper on table, L., and also on settee. 

{Enter Harry Andrews hastily?) 

Harry. Gracious ! What a run of it ! And if I had missed 
the 3. 15 train I should have been an hour late. As it is, I am 
afraid she has come, and. not finding me here, has gone away again. 
Four o'clock. No, 1 am on time. It's astonishing how very ner- 
vous I am. Yet, it's no wonder. A man doesn't have an appoint- 
ment with a lady who is a perfect stranger to him every day in the 
week, and especially on such delicate business. Who could have 
imagined a week ago, when Kittle and I were so happy in our first 
love and engagement, that to-day I should be in this parlor, wait- 
ing to make arrangements relating to matrimony with an unknown 
female whom I have never seen, and whose full name I do not 
know. Well, it's all Kittie's fault ; and if she loses me forever, she 
can only blame herself. Imagine my feelings on last Thursday 
evening. As I was standing in the shadow of the large tree before 
her father's house, preparing to serenade her, and just as I was 
opening my mouth to sing, — 

" Love, I will trust thee ever," 

who should come to the door but Kittie, accompanied by a strange 
man — a man whom I never saw before. I saw her bid him 
an affectionate adieu — actually kiss him, and heard him say, "Good- 
by, dearie ; don't expect a letter from me before Saturday, pet." 
Pet! After he left, with a heart bursting with emotion, I rushed 
into her presence, and demanded an explanation, which was refused, 
and my sufferings laughed at. Kittie even reproached me for what 
she called my ''insane jealousy," and gave me back my ring. I 
calmly returned the hat mark she gave me at Christmas, and left 
the house, fully resolved to do something desperate. Passing the 
office Q>{\.\\^Times, a happy thought struck me — I entered and in- 
serted a matrimonial advertisement. The next day I received an 
answer, signed " Catherine H. 2., Tiniest Since then I have written 

3 



4 A MATRIMONIAL ADVERTISEMENT. 

and received seven letters from the fair unknown, who has also re- 
ceived a blow to her affections, and who always writes on pink note- 
paper. I have asked for an interview, which she has granted. Let 
me read her note again. 

Mr H. 24., Times, — I will meet you at the place you mentioned at 
4 o'clock and 15 minutes. That you maybe able to distinguish me, I 
will wear a bonnet trimmed with blue, and carry a fan tied with pink rib- 
bon ; and you may, when you see me, show me this note, written on pink 
paper. 

Yours, as ever, 

Catherine, H. 2., Times. 

Even after receiving this note, if Kittie had been at all friendly, 
I should have tried to make it up with her. But to-day when I 
passed her father's house, and saw her standing at the window, she 
returned my bow with a frigid look, as if I was an entire stranger, 
and actually turned up her nose at me. So I tear her image from 
my heart, and place in the vacant spot that of Catherine H. 2., 
Times. {Looks at watch.) Gracious ! It's time she was here. 
Hark ! There's some one coming now ! I'll just run out until I 
see who it is. {Exit R.) 

{Enter Kittie, c. She has aii umbrella in her hand, and appears 
as if she had been iti a shower.) 

Kittie. I wonder if anybody saw me come in. I do wish I had 
refused to come. If it had not commenced to rain just before I got 
to the door, I should have gone on without coming in ; but now I 
must wait until the shower is over. Oh, I will pay Mr. Harry 
Andrews for his absurd jealousy ! To do that, I would meet any- 
body. As if he had the right to dictate to me now ! A pretty life 
I should lead after we were married ! I wonder how I will know 
the unknown when he comes. Let me see. He will carry the 
pink notes, and — pshaw ! I shall know him anyway as soon as I 
see him, for he says he has been crossed in love, aad there will be 
an affinity between us that needs no outside mark of recognition. 
My ! there^s some one coming ! What shall I do ! Oh, over here — 
{Sits 071 sofa, R., and holds newspaper before her face in such a 
way as to hide it from Harry, who enters at c.) 

Harry {who sees Kittie oji sofa). By Jove, she^s here ! Now, 
shall I begin the conversation at once, or shall I wait for her to 
recognize me ? 

KiTTi^E {aside) . Gracious me! There is the man! I wish I 
was at home. 

Harry {coughing loudly). Ahem ! 

Kittie {aside). The bold person ! He wants to attract my at- 
tention, but he shall not see my face if I can help it. {Holds news- 
paper closer before her face.) 

Harry. Why in the Dickens don't she speak ? and what makes 
her hold that paper so I can't see her face ? Maybe it isn't her- 



A MATRIMONIAL ADVERTISEMENT. 5 

(Kittie's/^«, tied unth pink bow, fails to tJu floor.) No, there's 
the fan! (Kittie stoops to pick up the fan, and in doing so the 
blicc bonnet shoics above the ed^e of the paper), and the blue bon- 
net ! Yes, Catherine — it must be Catherine — but why don't she 
show herself and recognize me ? Ahem ! 

Kittie {aside). The impudent thing! He'll speak next. I 
wish I knew what he looks like. 

Harry {aside). Great Caesar ! Maybe she's one of those black- 
mailing creatures, and is making a sketch of my face, which, together 
with my letters, would be just what she would want for a-breach-of- 
promise case ; but two can play at the same game, miss. {Sits l., 
and holds tip paper exactly in the^ame position as Kittie has hers.) 

Kittie. I am dying to see what he is like. I wonder what 
he is doing now. I'll see. {Looks over top of paper.) 

Harry. I wonder what she is up to now. I'll just take a 
peep. {They both look overtop of paper, and inn/iediately drop 
their heads.) 

Kittie {aside). My goodness ! I wonder if he saw me. 

Harry {aside). I was right. It's lucky I caught on to her 
game in time. 

Kittie {aside). I wish I was at home. I wonder if I could 
get out without his seeing my face. But how — yes, I have it ! 
{Tears a little hole in centre of paper, and starts toward c door.) 

Harry. She's got her evidence, and is going away — but not 
if I can help it. {He starts np and closes the door.) 

Kittie. Oh ! {Reseats herself on sofa.) What shall I do ! 
He's determined not to let me go until he sees who I am. 

Harry. This is ridiculous. We can't sit here like this all day, 
Maybe, after all, she only wants me to break the ice. {Aloitd to 
Kittie.) Pleasant day, miss. 

Kittie. Yes ; quite pleasant, indeed. 

Harry. Quite warm ; don't you think so t 

Kittie. Yes ; quite warm 

Harry. Nice little shower we are having. 

Kittie. 'Most too wet for comfort. 

Harry. You think so ? 

Kittie. Yes ; it nearly always is wet when it rains. 

Harry {after a pause). Yes ; especially when it rains as hard 
as it does now. Since it seems we will be obliged to stay here 
together until the rain ceases, allow me to present you my card. 
{Aside.) My Cousii^ Dick's. {He gives her the card, and takes 
the paper from before his face.) 

Kittie. Mr. Richard White! Harry's Cousin Dick! How 
fortunate ! I need not be afraid any longer. {Lowers paper from 
her face.) 

Harry ? ,. ..^^ . \ By Jove, it's Kittie ! 

{They look at each other in amazement.) 



6 A MATRIMONIAL ADVERTISEMENT. 

Harry {aside). Kittie ! What if she should discover my 
reason for being here ! 

Kittie. If Harry should find out that I am here to meet an 
unknown gentleman, I am lost. 

Harry {coldly). Good-afternoon, Miss Grey. 

Kittie {very dignified) . Mr. Andrews, I am really surprised 
to see you. 

Harry. Pleasant day. 

Kittie. Yes ; I have been out walking and — {aside) what a 
lovely excuse for my being here ! — there came up a rain, so I stopped 
in here. 

Harry. About three miles from where you live. Do you often 
walk this far from home ? 

Kittie («j-zV/<?). He suspects something. {Aloud.) Yes, quite 
often ; that is, my dressmaker lives in this neighborhood, and I 
called to have a dress fitted, and — the day was so warm that I 
just stepped into — {Voice outside : " This way, please ; the party 
is waiting ift here.''"') 

KiTTiK {aside). Good heavens ! my unknown ! I am lost! He 
is sure to recognize me, and what will Harry think ! 

Harry {aside). The dickens! There comes Catherine H. 2., 
Times, and she will find me here with Kittie, and Kittie will find I 
have arranged a meeting with Catherine H. 2., — O Lord, what 
shall I do? 

{Both ivalk up stage and down front again excitedly.) 

Kittie {aside). I must pretend to know Harry, and be on 
Ioving»terms with him. Then, when we are alone again, I can 
explain. 

Harry {aside). If she comes in, I can pretend that Kitty is my 
sweetheart, and that I am here to meet no one. {Going over to 
Kittie.) Ah, quite a pretty fan you carry, Miss Grey. 

Kittie {startled; aside). He notices my fan and the pink 
ribbon. He must suspect something. I must deceive him. 
{Aloud.) Hem! "Miss Grey!" Is that the way you speak to 
one you know as well as you do me — Harry ? 

Harry {aside) . She wants to make up with me. Pll accom- 
plish a double stroke, — deceive the unknown, and make it up with 
Kittie. I — ah — beg pardon, Miss — Kittie — but I was not sure 
that you would allow me — to — that is — after — the — 

Kittie O Harry, I hope that you will n(5t allude to our little 
quarrel. Such little tiffs as that are quite the thing among people 
who are — that is — I mean — 

Harry {aside). She certainly does want to make it up. 
{Sits beside her.) Engaged. Yes, Kittie — {He takes her fan. 
Both embarrassed.) What a pretty pink ribbon ! 

Kittie {aside). He knows it all. {Aloud.) Ha! ha! That 
is not pink ; it's blue, a pale blue ! 



A MATRIMONIAL ADVERTISEMENT. / 

Harry. No — why I should say your bonnet was trimmed with 
blue. 

KiTTiE {aside). How can he be so cruel ! No, no ; my bonnet 
is trimmed with pink, and {pointing to fan) this is blue, and this 
{pointing to bonnet) is pink. 

Harry. You don't say! 

KiTTiE {aside). Oh, I know if he keeps on I will have to confess 
all, and what will he think of me ! 

Harry {aside). How strangely Kittie is acting! Can it be 
possible she knows why I am here? {Takes pi7ik letter' from 
his pocket and places it beside the fan. Aloud.) And what color 
would you call this, Miss Kittie? 

Kittie {gasping^ aside). My letter! He does know all. 
{Wildly^ aloud.) Why, it's blue, a pale blue. Why, I am sure 
it's blue ! {Aside.) My letter ! how did he get it ! 

Harry. But it isn't the same color as your bonnet ! See! It 
doesn't match at all. 

Kittie {aside). I'm desperate. I must make him think he is 
color-blind. {Takes Harry's bundle of blue letters from her 
pocketbook atid lays it by the pink ribbon.) See ! This is pink. 

Harry {aside). My letters ! I am trapped! It's all up with 
me ! I must agree to all she says. Yes, that is pink and this is 
blue — pink — blue — pink — blue — {Aside.) Oh, if I could only 
get those letters ! 

Kittie {aside). If, in some way, I could get those letters, I 
would defy him. {Aloud.) What a pretty color for note-paper ! 

Harry {looking at notes which Kittie holds). Yes, beautiful 
{Aside.) Oh, if"l could only get them back ! 

Kittie. Mif::ht I examine it? 

Harry. Yes, of course. {Aside.) Then she'll have them both. 
No, I must get mine first. {Aloud.) On second thought, it would 
be betraying confidence. It does not belong to me. 

Kittie. No, I did not suppose that you would use paper of that 
color. It looks more like that a lady would choose. {Aside.) If 
he accuses me, I'll pretend ignorance of the whole aflTair. {Aloud.) 
It's the same with the bundle of blue notes, they belong to some- 
body else. 

Harry. These I have were written to — to— Cousin Dick — 

Kittie {aside). Then I have been writing to Cousin Dick, eh ? 
{Aloud.) And these were written to —to — our cook — 

Harry {aside). Good heavens! I have been corresponding 
with a cook. 

Kittie. Suppose we exchange confidences. I am really here on 
an errand for Martha, our cook, who has been carrying on a cor- 
respondence with a gentleman whom she did not know, and whom 
she was to meet here to-day ; but her mother was suddenly taken 
ill, and, as a dutiful child should, she went to her bedside, making 
me promise to come here and tell the unknown that everything was 
postponed until Saturday the same hour. 



« A MATRIMONIAL ADVERTISEMENT. 

Harry. You don't say ! 

KiTTiE. Do you doubt my word? {Aside.) O Kiltie Grey, 
this will bar you from the promised happiness to come. 

Harry. How kind you are. But I say ! it's quite a joke on 
Cousin Dick, you know. 

KiTTiE. Yes ; his writing to a cook. 

Harry. Yes ; I told him it must be some low creature. You 
can always tell the real character of a person by her handwriting, 
you know. 

KiTTiE {slowly). Yes., 

Harry. So when Cousin Dick asked me to come to-day in his 
place, I told him it would be to meet some intriguing widow, or 
second-rate servant-girl. 

KiTTiE. What a judge of character you are ! 

Harry. Oh, yes ; I've made a great study of it. 

KiTTiE. But in spite of all, I suppose you were quite anxious 
to meet this unknown. I can imagine how you thought you would 
make love to this intriguing widow. Oh, you are very constant in 
your affections, Mr. Andrews ! 

Harry. It's all very well for you to talk of constancy and all 
that — I, who have had proofs before of your fickle nature — 

KiTTiE. What do you mean, sir? I am sure 1 have done 
nothing. 

Harry. Kissing strange men on doorsteps is what you call 
nothing, I suppose. You can't deny that. 

KiTTiE. I can. But I won't. 

Harry. Then you confess — 

KiTTiE. Yes ; to kissing my brother Ned, whom you have never 
met. 

Harry. Your brother — O Kittie, why didn't you tell me so 
before? I'll never be jealous again. 

KiTTiE. Never, Harry? 

Harry. Never ! 

KiTTiE. True as you live? 

Harry. True as I live ! 

KiTTiE. Then give me back my ring. 

Harry {placing the ring on her finger). And now we are 
engaged all over again. {Solemnly.) But I tell you what, Kitti'e, 
you came near losing me. 

KiTTiE. How so? 

Harry. I was going to propose to your cook. 

KiTTiE. Harry Andrews ! then it was you who received those 
letters I wrote? 

Harry. And you who wrote those letters I received? 

Kittie. O Harry — ( Bursts out laughing.) 

Harry. O Kittie — you— Oh, I shall die — {Both laugh 
heartily.) 

Kittie. And I came here to meet you, and you to meet me ! 

Harry. And I was mad at you. 



A MATRIMONIAL ADVERTISEMENT. 9 

KiTTiE. And I was mad at you. 

Harry. I did it just for spite. 

KiTTiE. So did I. 

Harry. And we've made it all up, and we're never going to 
quarrel again. 

KiTTiE. Never ! For fear we might not be so lucky in our next 
experience with — 

Harry. A Matrimonial Advertisement. 

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D. F. Hodges. Two males, one female (adult), three children and 
chorus. Very successful and easily produced. Price, 75 Cents. 

Alvin Gray ; or, The Sailor's Return. In Three Acts. Written 
and composed by C. A. White. Ten characters, including cborus; 
can be made more effective by employing a larger number. 

Price, 75 Cents. 



Catalogues describing- the above and other popular entertain- 
ments sent free on application to 

WALTER H. ^AKER & CO., 

THEATRICAL PUBLISHERS, 

No. 23 Winter Street, - Boston, Mass. 

S. J. PARKHIUU i CO.. PRiVirERS, 222 FRANKl IN ST, BOSTON. 



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